Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
01.
yesterday, i wrote
your name on a slip of paper
and folded it into an origami star.

it hangs on my bonsai tree
(little trees for big
wishes) as a just-in-case hope
for those times when it feels like
absolutely nothing
can make me
happy.

sometimes, when even stars
and little trees aren't
enough to make me happy, i cut
down the paper stars and pretend
that it is a meteorite shower in my
bedroom, but sometimes that
just makes it worse
because i realize
that shooting stars are actually
falling stars;

we are all just stars that have
forgotten the happy-thoughts that
made us fly,

it's just that some of us are blazing and beautiful
before we burn out. and die.

- -

02.
i can write disorderly words with random indents
and call it "poem", and
people will still say
they like it
because we all know
what it's like to be unhappy
and there is nothing
unhappy people like better
than making people
happy.


i can jump over my own leg and
touch my toes if i really try,
but i can't stop being terrible
and i can't stop thinking
i'm terrible.

but i'm trying, really. i'm trying.

- -

03.
cliches are last resorts for poets who
ran out of ideas.
they write things
like how someone has stolen
their heart and taken it somewhere
far far away and now it is
lost.

i like to hold two fingers on my neck
and remind myself that i have
a heart, but sometimes i
just can't make myself trust biology,
because writers never
trust
science.

fact:
beethoven composed without his ears;
i can write without my heart.
jumping rope, double dutch.
won't you ride bikes with me?





i don't know how to write, but i do know how to be honest.
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2014-06-12
staggering and struggling by eloquence-fair addresses old topics with new images; as the suggester says, it's "beautiful work". ( Suggested by youarelightinthedark and Featured by ShadowedAcolyte )
:iconhopeburnsblue:
hopeburnsblue Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Love the shooting star metaphor!
Reply
:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014  Student General Artist
Hah. Very good meta-poem poem.... I love this - it's SO REAL.
Reply
:iconaochiro:
Aochiro Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014  Student
:heart: This entire thing is so gorgeously truthful. I don't have any words to describe how nice this is.
Reply
:iconask-warrior-zelda:
Ask-Warrior-Zelda Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014
If only more understood this. 
Reply
:iconschriftsteller:
schriftsteller Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014   Writer
02 is my favorite. That's some raw truth there. The entire thing is lovely too, I just liked that part especially. Congrats on your DD!
Reply
:iconglitchblazie:
GlitchBlazie Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Student General Artist
;;
Reply
:iconlarynachos:
larynachos Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
2 and 3 really got to me.
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
I’m very happy for you!!! :iconloveloveplz: :tighthug:
Reply
:iconartbyfieldsofsage:
artbyfieldsofsage Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Good work.  Each section (1, 2, 3) is an honest assessment of what you believe and what you feel.  It just doesn't get any better than that.  So here's a couple little thoughts and comments: Section 1 reminded me of a time, way way way way way long ago, when my baby sister was yet to be born ... and mom drew paper airplanes on lined composition paper (we didn't have money nor did we have art paper) and cut them out ... then she attached a string to each one and thumb-tacked them to the ceiling of the baby's room, in our rented apartment.  She let me participate.  As I recall I didn't do much ... except maybe get in the way and slow her down.  But she was in no hurry to finish the project and she was glad to have my "help" (tee hee).  A month or so later my sister was born.  Mom & Dad needed more space and soon bought a house.  And after that another house.  And more children for them ... and more siblings for me.  So I'm telling you this ... because ... section 1 of your poem brought back this very vivid, happy memory for me.  And I wonder ... whatever happened to the paper airplanes?

FYI: Reading the last part of your poem makes me see things, truths, that I didn't realize were there.  That we writers/artists don't trust science.  I tell myself repeatedly that I do.  I tell myself repeatedly that trusting science is the only true truth.  But the way you posed the statement makes me question my own beliefs.  And, oh how I love the line about putting your fingers on your neck to remind yourself that you have a heart ... and ending with how it is possible for you to write without a heart.  WOW!  You've given me many things to think about.  I am at a staggering loss for words.  I won't pretend I can interpret what you have written.  It will mean different things to different people.  So just let me thank you first of all for the wonderful memory of the paper airplanes and the birth of my baby sister ... and most of all for making me THINK:)
Reply
:iconcreamknight21:
CreamKnight21 Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
All I can say is, good critic, Sir. That, my friends, is how you make a meaningful comment on a meaningful poem.
Reply
:iconartbyfieldsofsage:
artbyfieldsofsage Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you so much ... for critiquing my critique!  What a wonderful, unexpected ... yet highly valued ... response from you.  By-the-by, I am a "Madame."  (Don't take that so, oh how shall I say, "literally USA interpretation!!!"  I lived in France for years ... and "Madame" is the proper greeting for me:)  Again, THANKS for the critique, vis-à-vis!  I never NEVER make a comment unless I truly FEEL something and THINK something and honestly want to RELATE something.  I won't waste my time ... or yours.  I ALWAYS hesitate and fear I might insult the recipient ... but I take my chance and leave the interpretation up to the universe ... and the artist.  So glad you appreciate my amateur critique:)  Hug 
Reply
:iconcreamknight21:
CreamKnight21 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
No problem, Madame. I just have always thought that people deserve that type of comment on their works. When I get a personal response on my art, or literature, I squeak with joy and happiness.
Never be afriad to speak out to what you think, or believe in, as long as you feel it in your heart and soul. :)
Reply
:iconartbyfieldsofsage:
artbyfieldsofsage Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Squeak Squeak:)  Hug 
Reply
:iconstarrysky963:
starrysky963 Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist
This is amazing. Absolutely stunning and poignant. Staggeringly beautiful. :heart:
I love how you broke up the lines. It reflects nicely with the disconnection between writing and feeling, as mentioned in the last line.
Reply
:iconkhaoshar:
KhaoShar Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Wait a sec, who please told you you couldn't write?? Just because you don't stick to some rules that some old bugger made hundreds of years ago about what is poetry and what is not?

Poetry is in the feel of the things, not in the formalities, just as with every form of art. At least that's my opinion. My grade for your kinda-random-poetry-ish work: A+ :)

P.S.: I hope you're not as unhappy as you described here. But if so, hopefully making me happy served to make you happier in turn ;)
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I feel the enjambment needs a lot of work and the overall message isn't overly clear. Doesn't mean I don't like the poem, there are some wonderful lines in it.
Reply
:iconhazysunray:
HazySunray Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
There are no words for this piece of majestic unicorn balls. Absolutely lovely.
Reply
:icondreameroftheblue:
dreameroftheblue Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
this is so raw and powerful and that last line really lingers
10/10
Reply
:iconsunflowerintherain:
SunflowerInTheRain Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
*stand up and violently claps*

Beautifully put. God damn I love this so much.
Reply
:iconharryeagle:
Harryeagle Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014
Very nicely done. :)
Reply
:iconwolfofdesire:
wolfofdesire Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist
Wow
Reply
:iconsakpalamey:
sakpalamey Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Yes. Disorderly words with random indents make the best poems.
Jumping rope is my favorite too!
Reply
:iconasahi-sensei:
Asahi-sensei Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Student Artisan Crafter
two last verses Heart 
Reply
:iconeclipticsnowleopard:
EclipticSnowLeopard Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is such an amazing piece, and so true to life. Great work. :)
Reply
:iconjeffreyplawrence:
jeffreyplawrence Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
{{{I'm gonna sit here trying to tell you i really identify with this often with a quip or perfect emoticon. I can't,
but I hope the slightly wet eyes, pained smile and inability to look at you says what I mean}}}
Reply
:iconfluxicity:
Fluxicity Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2010
On the contrary; being honest is how to write properly indeed, because anyone that cannot feel their words is truly without the ability to write good literature. Anyone can pick up a pen, but it takes a good heart to know which way the words flow.

Your piece may have cliched meanings in, but cliched is only another word for popular - and being popular isn't a bad thing necessarily. Originality can have many forms, but the one that sticks out the most is used the old to aid the new, which is exactly what you've done here :) I like it, and especially love the ending :+favlove:
Reply
:iconeloquence-fair:
eloquence-fair Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2010
thank you, i write what i see and i guess i just a lot of cliches. :)
Reply
:iconfluxicity:
Fluxicity Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2010
:lol: I like to think of cliched sayings in writing as a revolving circle; you start off with phrases that are new, which become old, and then in time when noone uses them anymore then they come back into fashion and people realise why they said them in the first place :p If that made sense lol
Reply
:iconindiana-w:
indiana-w Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2010  Student Writer
I don't think any of us truly know how to write.
Reply
:iconeloquence-fair:
eloquence-fair Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2010
i agree completely, we are all just trying to figure out how to live and writing just helps us find out how.
Reply
:iconindiana-w:
indiana-w Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2010  Student Writer
I also agree completely.
Reply
:iconshadowedacolyte:
ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2010
Congrats on the DLD.

I think you do yourself a bit of a disservice here; there are great, original images in this poem that belie the conversation topic of cliches and sappy romance.

I think the poem would be better if it were shorter, trimming away the stuff that's not that original so the poem moves more directly from one awesome image to the next.

Good ending, though.
Reply
:iconeloquence-fair:
eloquence-fair Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2010
thank you very much!

i don't know why i write about such things when i have no experience in the matter. i suppose that's why i only write cliched, generalized aspects of them since those are the only ones i know XD
and once again, thank you.
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2010
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
Reply
:iconaerinne:
aerinne Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2010
second part is what i fangirl over
Reply
:iconeloquence-fair:
eloquence-fair Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2010
haha thank you!
Reply
:iconstars-for-dessert:
stars-for-dessert Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2010
I love this.
Reply
:iconeloquence-fair:
eloquence-fair Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2010
thank you dear :heart:
Reply
:iconlondonrey:
londonrey Featured By Owner May 23, 2010
Oh WOW. This blew me away. I am at a loss for words at the moment. I love this so much. It's just the truth. It's stated simply but beautifully. The first section made me want to cry. It was just so hopefully hopeless. Tragically beautiful. I especially love the last line of that section. I also love "and there is nothing more that
unhappy people like better
than making people
happy." --It might sound better if you drop the "more that".. but that's just my opinion. That is just so TRUE.

I love the last section too. All three really contributed to the overall feel of the poem and they fit together even though they were totally separate. I just adore this. If I could favorite it more than once, I would. Out of the hundreds of poems I have read today, this is my favorite. ^_^
Reply
:iconeloquence-fair:
eloquence-fair Featured By Owner May 24, 2010
thank you so much, buttercup! :iconlovepinkplz:
hmmm, i actually like it without the "more that", now that you mention it, thanks! :D
Reply
:iconlondonrey:
londonrey Featured By Owner May 24, 2010
You're very welcome, Wesley. (:
I'm glad I could help you out. :D
Reply
:iconeloquence-fair:
eloquence-fair Featured By Owner May 24, 2010
...THAT WAS AN EPIC PRINCESS BRIDE REFERENCE BTW.
Reply
:iconlondonrey:
londonrey Featured By Owner May 24, 2010
:dance:
I'm so glad you caught that!! XD. I was really hoping you would.
Reply
:iconquietgoddess:
quietgoddess Featured By Owner May 21, 2010
So honest and so so true...
I found it to be very powerful!!!
Reply
:iconeloquence-fair:
eloquence-fair Featured By Owner May 22, 2010
thank you so much! :iconblushingplz:
Reply
:iconliterary-visionaries:
Your fantastic work has been selected for feature in our weekly article (viewable here: [link]) by a member of the :iconliterary-visions: staff
Reply
:iconeloquence-fair:
eloquence-fair Featured By Owner May 22, 2010
:O thank you, i'm honoured.
Reply
:iconstoryofmylife054:
storyofmylife054 Featured By Owner May 18, 2010
Love the last lines!!
Reply
:iconeloquence-fair:
eloquence-fair Featured By Owner May 18, 2010
Thank you honeybunch :iconflowerplz:
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconeloquence-fair: More from eloquence-fair


Featured in Collections

Writing by karithevocaloid

DDs Featured by ShadowedAcolyte

words by o-paque


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
May 15, 2010
File Size
2.0 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
3,588
Favourites
253 (who?)
Comments
56
×